Tag Archives: evil

Two Weirdos In a SUV Like My Poop Bag

So today I was walking my dog.

Yes, the wiener dog.  But that’s not the point.

The worst part of walking a dog is the poop.  You’ve got to pick it up, even if you don’t want to.  And then you’ve got to carry it around until you get home or find a trashcan.  Well, I’ve found a simple soloution to this problem: attach the poop-bag to the dog’s collar.

Maybe not so good for the dog, but hey, it works.

Anyways.

So I was walking my dog when all of the sudden a silver 99′ Dodge SUV pulls around the corner.  The guy whose driving the car is about 68, and he’s looking at me like catfish looks at a peice of bacon.  (Man, I’m good at analogies!)  So basically, he’s looking at me like a maniac.

I thought it was strange, but it got even stranger.  He turned around and pulled up in front of me, exept now I didn’t see him, I saw his wife.

She was also looking at me like a maniac.

I was getting ready to run when she rolled down the window.  She looked very exited.  Her eyes were large.  Freakishly large.

And this is what she says:

“She’s carryin’ her own poop bag!”

She says “poop” with a little popping sound at the end.

“Uhhh…Yes she is, I tho-”

I don’t have time to finish my sentence, because they’re already driving away like a moose drives a wagon.  (I’m really good at these analogies)

So basically, I had a pretty weird Tuesday.

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Evil Naked Babies

A first glance, you might think this was your average nude-baby picture.

You would be wrong.

Very wrong.

Look at the eyes.  The eyes!  Little black ovals staring menacingly into the distance.  These babies would obviously stop at nothing to kill you.  They would enjoy seeing you in pain.  They would even laugh at the very thought of it.

Did I mention that they’re armed?

With bows and arrows?

I can imagine this:

A normal sunny day in Las Vegas, the birds are singing, blah blah blah blah.  Then, suddenly, little Timmy falls on his face, dead.

One of the witnesses cries out, “He’s been shot with a bow and arrow!”

No more Timmy.

Don’t make the same mistake as poor Timmy.  Wear full body protection 24/7.  Trust no one.

Especially the babies.

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Why I’m Afraid Of The Toilet

I am afraid of the toilet.

Why?

It comes down to this: spiders.  As disturbing as it is, I worry that a spider lives in my toilet.

I know. Freaky.

And what if, the spider decides to go for a little stroll, and accidentally ends up in my intestines?  Even worse, what if that spider was pregnant?

A pregnant spider.  In my intestines.  Ready to give birth to five hundred babies that will feast on my organs.

I am not looking forward to that day.

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